Thursday, November 25, 2010

Labor day! The day before the big push!

5am: Rise and shine, valentine!
We began the day with a blood drawing and a shower. I was having contractions at this point about every five minutes,so, taking a shower on my own was impossible. Robert went down for breakfast and my mom helped me get a shower-bath. Have you ever had a shower-bath? It goes a little something like this.

I really wanted to take a bath in that deep jetted bath. I ran the water, got in and sat down into the tub. However, when your as big as I was, the tub seemed a lot bigger from the outside looking in. Lol. I just barely fit and washing and contracting wasn't quite working,so, I tried to switch to a shower, only standing was just as painfull so I ended up on my knees with my mom washing my hair at the same time I was trying to wash my body. I got everything but my feet, so we found out later. Lol.

I got out, got dried and made it back to my comfy bed. My favorite midwife of all came through the doors! "Yay" I was so happy to see her! She told me that my iron levels were up to 12.5! That was awsome news considering I had gotten it up all on my own, doing it my own way. How did I do it, you wonder? I stopped taking my anti-acids and took my prenatal plus 2 gummy vite c's and one iron tab in the morning and at night minus the prenatal, every day and in just 2 weeks I went from a 9 to a 12.5! How awsome am I! I wanted the mean midwife to see my chart so badly so I could rub it in her face that just because I don't have a masters in nursing doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot.

Anyway, this was the big moment, she was going to check me to see if the cervidil had worked. We were all crossing our fingers. She checked and said," it worked! Your 2cm dialated and about 80% effaced and at -3 station." This meant I was going to be induced! She told the nurse to start my pitocin at the lowest level.

At 7am we began the pitocin and almost imediately my contractions got stronger. Not so strong that I couldn't handle it. My mom called my dad and told him that we started the pitocin and that it was going to be a few hours before things were going to get going. He came and got her to go eat and do some shopping and what not. Robert and I watched tv and talked with my nurse when we saw her, which was about every 20mins or so.

At around 9am my contractions started to feel different, painfull but more like constipated pain. My midwafe came in to check me and I discribed to her what was going on and when she checked me said that she could feel that I was constipated and it was applying pressure on my uterus. I was 3cm dialated at this point. She aske what I had eaten for my dinner. When I told her pizza, she replied with,"oh, cheese. That'll do it." When you go in to labor your bowels begin to work differently and your digestive system slows way down. She offered me an enema or to up my pitocin and basically contract it down. Id never had an enema and so I opted for the pitocin, for ten minutes. Lol. That was all I could take. I had the nurse get her back to give me the enema. She asked if I wanted to give it to myself. "Yeah right. Id probably end up shooting that thing in the wrong direction or something." My contractions were quite painful and I had no idea how I was going to get from the bed to the bathroom in time because they tell you to stay laying down until you feel a great amount of pressure. Luckly I made it just fine but having contractions and trying to go to the bathroom and hold all your wires and tubes that you have hanging everywhere plus getting the toilet paper off the roll. Yeah not fun or easy at all. And its not like I was going to ask for help. I mean I was already mortified enough that I had to have the enema in the first place. I finally made it back to the bed.

I was ready for some pain meds for sure! The nurse went to get the order for it and came back with a shot of the one that starts with an f. I can't remember the full name of it. I was so happy to see it! She put it into my I.V and it kicked in so quick. I couldn't feel a single contraction and felt good enough to fall asleep. I dosed off for a while and when I woke my parents were back. I started to feel my contractions coming back,so, I asked the nurse if it was supposed to wear off like that. She said it had been a few hours, so, yes. She said I could have it every hour if I wanted it. I said, "sure, why not." That was making labor a breeze! She gave me my next dose and my midwife came in to check me again after about a half hour. She said I was still at 3cm but when I get to 4cm, I could have my epidural. Epidurals should not be given before 4cm because you run a risk of the epidural stopping your contractions.

For the next few hours we just all hungout and talked with the nurse about where she grew up, where we were from and what not. At about 3pm I got my 3rd dose of pain medication and I was checked again, I was finally at 3 and a 1/2cm. Lol. At this point the pain meds aren't really working on my contractions much but it was still calming between the contractions. Somewhere around 4:30pm, I was checked again! I was at 4cm! I didn't ask of my epidural right away. The nurse asked me what id like and I said id try one more dose of the pain medicine. I wanted to get at least to 6cm to guarentee that my labor wouldn't stop. Well, I didn't make it to 6cm, I made it til almost 6pm though. I tried to eat some jello and when I threw that up after one bite, I knew it was time for my epidural. I wasn't in screaming pain but enough that I was clenching pretty good and I knew if I'd waited longer, I wouldn't be able to sit still for it. I told the nurse she may aswell order it. The doctor came in, it was a man. How embarrassing. He was going to see my butt crack, while I was awake to know about it! I decided i'd just play it as professional as possible.

My parents had to leave the room because it was a sterile proceedure and my dad couldn't handle the needle anyway. I sat in the bed and hung my feet off the side. I had to lean over the bed table with a pillow on top and hold Robert's hand and my nurse's hand. We were all talking about being from Bakersfield,Ca. The Doctor had family in Delano, Ca and used to drive down there every summer as a kid to visit. He was talking about how it was the worst trip ever, every year because they would drive down in a VW bus with no A/C. Lol I totally knew what he was talking about. If you are from the area or have ever been in the summer, you know too. Lol. Anyway, he was really personable and took my mind off the fact that he was sticking this needle in my back 5 times! He explained that the normal area for an epidural to go wouldn't work in my back, my spine was too thin. He ended up about 6 inches lower than the normal place. I didn't know what that meant and wasn't concerned with it as long as it worked. I did however want to know what was going to happen if I had to have a C-section. The way he explained it was that the meds that is in my epidural at the moment is like beer and if I have a c-section, he would replace it with wiskey. That was a pretty good referance, which I figured out later.

My parents finally got to come back, they were freaking out a bit at how long it took. They thought something happend. Right about this time, everything started to go numb. I was feeling great and updated my facebook about it, as I had been doing throughout the whole day so far. Things were great for the next hour and the nurse noticed that my contractions had started to slow, tramendously. She was ordered to kick up my pitocin to almost the max and raise it more every half hour. When she did all ice broke.

My epidural couldn't even touch the pain I was now experiencing. My abdomin was still numb, along with my legs but I was experiencing the worst pain of my life in my vaginal and rectum region. The pain was so bad that the only thing I could do when I had a contraction was grip the rail and shake and chatter my teeth. My midwife came in and we kept trying different positions, laying on one side and switching to the other, my contractions were only at half mass. We weren't even toping the charts yet. I went through this for a while because I couldn't have anymore pain medication yet at the risk of my contractions stopping again. The pain was litterally like trying to pass a bowling ball. I thought was just going to split open at the bottom and my was just going to fall out. Appearently most women don't feel what I was feeling. Usually women feel a pressure there but I was feeling pain, lots and lots of pain. At almost midnight my midwife checked me and said I was 10cm dialated but that he was still sitting up a little high. She said I needed to labor down a bit and she went to get the doctor to give me the wiskey for my epidural!!! She said that she wanted me to be comfortable while pushing. He came in and gave me my wiskey. He said it will hopefully take the edge off but that since it was so low in my back, he couldn't be sure that it would completely numb the pain I was experiencing. I didn't care as long as it took some of it away. At this point there was no way I could push. I was in the kind of pain, that it hurts so bad that I don't want to push.

After about 10mins on the wiskey, I felt like I needed to push. My midwife said it was okay to lightly push but she left the room and the nurse came in and didn't know that she had told me it was okay. So, she told me to try not to push. I was so pushing. I was doing the pull bar method that a girl in school had told me about for going to the bathroom. You put both hands in the air and slowly clinch and pull down on the imaginary bar, while letting your air out and pushing at the same time in the same slow motion. It makes you concentrate more and it really works! I was doing that while my nurse went to get my midwife, by the time she got back, he was down far enough to start pushing harder.

12pm, time to push! And the joy and burn that followed!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Labor, delivery and Walerey's pizza!

And it began with the Green Mile dinner...

It was to be my last dinner until Saturday. This was Thursday. The doctor told me to make it a good one. So, I told my parents it was going to be either Los Dos Amigos or Walerey's Pizza. We decided on Walerey's. Robert was at work and wasn't getting off til 7pm and I had to check in at the hospital at 6pm.

My parents and I went to eat my last dinner. It was sooo good, as always! We had to rush through dinner because I only had 30 mins til check in. We left dinner and headed for the hospital.

My parents had no idea where the birthing center at the hospital was, as I figured out when we ended up in a parking garage on the other side. I was trying to explain it to my dad but with me my mom, all my stuff and 4 dogs in the truck, it was a lost cause. Luckly, there was a construction worker working on the garage we were in and my dad asked him where to go. Appearently guys understand other guys better. We finally ended up in the right parkinglot with 5 mins left to get to the right floor and to the check in counter. That sounds so funny to say. I was checking in to have a baby.

We made it up to the floor and as I was filling out the paperwork, the receptionist asked if I was planning to circumsize my son. I answered, "no" like it was just another question and my mother about had a stroke. "What? Your not going to? You have too!" I tried explaining to her that there was no medical need to and I just didn't want to. To give her an example of someone who wasn't, I used my nephew, only the receptionist thought I was talking about my husband and said, "well, I didn't need to know that much." I laughed and told her it was just my nephew. I used my nephew as an example for that reason. People feel more comfortable knowing information like that about children vs about adults. After we finished the paperwork and went to sit and wait to get let into the labor and delivery ward, I finished telling my mom why I wasn't getting him circumsized. My husband isn't and I have many friends who's husbands and boyfriends aren't and that it just doesn't seem unnormal to me. My dad's thought on it was to just let the baby decide, lol. That was when I learned that my dad wasn't either, something my mother didn't need to share with me but did. Finally, the akward conversation ended when the nurse came out to get us.

We went through the doors of no return and to the whale scale! It litterally is a whale scale. It was like a 3'x3' scale! I looked at it and said to the nurse, "oh great, here we go." She was nice and said, "well, here. We'll give you a nice number." And switched it to kg! It was my first nice weight in and my last as a pregnant woman, so, my mother took a picture of me on it and sent it out to the world in one text! I was back to,"Oh great, here we go." Only this time the nurse couldn't just push a button to make that nice.

We got to my room, where my parents drilled the nurses with questions about everything! I was just worried about unpacking and getting to that nice big bed to sit! One of the midwives came in. One I like. My parents then drilled her ofcourse. I mean the last time they were in having a baby was when I was born and that was a C-section. So, they were litterally green to the whole process. It was embarrassing but whatever, I didn't care. I was too excited. It was like going on vacation to me. I love being in the hospital. At least that hospital! I got all unpacked and into bed. I brought everything but the kitchen sink. This was my first baby after all.

The room was so big and comfy. It had a sitting room with a couch, chair and rocking chair. There was also a t.v, and the bathroom had a spa tub! There wasn't a kitchenette but down the hall was a community kitchen with lots of goodies. Ofcourse, kitchen or no kitchen it wasn't for me anyway. It was for my guests because I wasn't getting to eat anything!

7pm comes and my midwife is ready to insert the cervidil strip. This is a strip that kind of looks like a paper zip tie, and is placed inside up to the cervix opening and stick out the bottom for adusting. This can not come out, so, minimal movement once in is best. It is inserted to help rippen the cervix and start dialation.

When my midwife came in to insert the strip, she had some bad new to go with it. She told me that the hospital doctor on staff was mad that I was being induced, that he thinks inducing for a babies size is uncalled for and that I could go another week. I was scared that she was going to send me home right then. I wanted to cry. Here I was carrying a possible 10 lb or more baby with a family history of c-sections due to large babies not passing through the pelvis and I was facing having to wait a whole nother week. My parents were so mad. But, there was some light at the end of the tunnel. She told me that he was allowing us to try one dose of cervidil. If it didn't work in the 12 hrs it was supposed to, I would be sent home to wait another week. I was relieved again. She inserted the strip and told me to go to sleep and rest because hopefully I wouldn't be resting the next day.

9pm- My husband finally shows up. My parents were ready to get the dogs home so the could stretch and get some food and water. I let them leave. We were ready for bed but we tried to stay up and watch "The Crazies" that I told Robert to rent on his way to the hospital. I couldn't pay attention to the T.V. to save my life. I was too excited and too busy updating my facebook about what was going on. We eventually fell asleep.

The next day.... the begining of labor and all the gross details!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pregnancy: what does anemia, 10 lb ultrasound, dietitian equal? This...

Take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back to week 28.

When I had my second one hour diabetes test done, they also checked my hemoglobin aka iron levels. They came back at a 10. The minimum that doctors want to see for a pregnant woman is a 12. So, I had a midwife appt. To go over my test results.

At the midwife practice I used, there is five midwives. One I absolutely love and adore, one who is awsome aswell, two okay nutral ones and one that I hope to never get again.

Starting with this appt. I had her for 3 appts., that's a lot of time without another opinion in pregnancy time. My husband and I show up to our appt. And in she walks. I could tell just by looking at her that we were going to clash. She had that typical "know it all, I never had a life outside of my books" look. I sucked it up and figured Id try to listen. Maybe she wasn't as horrid as I thought. Nope! I was right the first time.

She looked at my chart, saw that my iron was low and that I had a history of large babies in my family. This was her advice to me: drink juice with my iron pills and go see a diebetes dietitian to keep the size of my baby down. I tried explaning to her that A: I don't drink juice because it is nothing but lost calories and pure unwanted/needed sugar and B: everyone in my family has been on the diebetic diet at one point or another and that I already knew all the ins and outs of it. She proceeded to argue with me over it and pretty much told me that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I couldn't know what I was talking about and that she was scheduling my appt. With the dietitian for the same day at 3pm. I was so mad. I just shut my mouth so we could get on with the appt. And I could leave.

She measured my belly and I asked her how far ahead I was measuring because I had been doing my own measuring at home and got four weeks. She wouldn't tell me. She looked at me and said, "we don't worry about what you measure, we just make sure you are growing and your going to measure big anyway." "What, are you serious. You did not just basically call me a big effing cow, prior to pregnancy!" I thought to myself. I was so ready to leave.

Later that day at the dietitian appt. The dietitian agreed with everything i'd said and looked at the fact that I had only gaind 10 lbs at this point and asked me why the midwife even thought to send me to her. I told it was because she was an idiot and didn't list to a word I said. So, we spent the rest of our meeting talking about the weather and comparing the different foods we like to eat.

At 32 weeks I went back for another Hemoglobin test. The next day, I got a call from guess who, the wicked witch of the east. She told me my iron was now down to a 9 and once again argued with me about drinking juice with my pill. I told her that the dietition had told me to not drink any juice at all, ever and she finally shut up about it but then she told me, "well, were not checking it again before you deliver,so, well just have to hope for the best." I hung up the phone. I wasn't listening to another word. I called the office and had my next appt. Changed to another midwife.

At 37weeks, I went in for a regular appt. This time we had a midwife that I haddnt met yet. We talked for a bit about the big babies in my family and then she measured my belly. As soon as she was done, she looked at me and asked," When was your last ultrasound?" With a shocked look on her face. I told her I haddnt had one since my gender scan at 19weeks. She told me that she couldn't believe I hadn't had another one. That I was measuring way ahead. I told her about the other midwife and she said, "that explains it." She scheduled me for another one.

At 38 weeks, we had our ultrasound. The guy performing it measure every body part, 4 times because he couldn't believe what he was seeing. A 10 pound baby!! I was flipping out. I still had 2 more weeks to go. I figured at this point its probably going to be for sure a c-section. I called the office the next day and asked if I needed to come in to discuss delivery options because of how big he was. The lady told me it was probably way off and I was going to have a 6 pound baby, not to worry about it. Bull!

My next appt. Was with my favorite lady of all!!! We discussed the ultrasound and I asked her if I could be induced, she knodded her head and said, "sure, how's friday?" Just like that! Like we were discussing dinner or something. I was speechless. I didn't have to argue or anything. I even replied with, "Are you sure?" And she was. She pulled out her schedule so we could figure out the best day. Sunday was no good, that's when the witch was on call, no way was she delivering me. We settled with Thursday. The day before my due date. She wasn't going to be there but that was only going to be my cervadil night. The big show wasn't going to be til Friday morning and she was going to be there for sure to deliver my little T-Rex! I was now excited, happy and resting assured that I would be okay.

Next, the biggest weekend of my life!!! My labor and delivery story!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Pregnancy: discovery of gerd, ulcers, and a run in with gestational diabetes.

Week 14ish of pregnancy, my body upped the ante.
I began to have the worst acid reflux ever! My throat would burn all night and there was no amount of lemon juice, milk or maloaxx that was going to solve it. I asked my doctor what I can do because it was just so bad. My doctor told me to take Zantac 75 and the maloxx. I knew 75 wasn't going to cut it, so, I got the Zantac 150.

The combination of both the Zantac and Maloxx was working great! After the morning/all day sickness ended in the 18th week, I got about 6 weeks of sheer bliss. I had zero swelling through out pregnancy so far and my anti-acids were working like a charm! I was able to eat whatever I wanted and I did! I called my husband every night when he was on his way home from work with a different request. Jack in the box tacos and breakfast sandwiches one night and Mcdonalds nugget meal the next. Every night was a request for something different. My biggest craving was french fries! I craved french fries daily and I gave in every day. After all, I lost 15 lbs that the doctor wanted me to gain back,so, why not give in.

Finally, at 24 weeks, I was supposed to transition from my doctor to the midwives but I didn't take my diabetes test and my doctor couldn't let me switch with out that test because she could lose her license. The horrible sugar drink was a nightmare. It was like drinking a hot otter pop! Then it made me tired and sick. After my gross drink, hour of waiting and 2 blood drawings, I got to go home..... only to come right back 2 days later for a 3hr test! My first one came back high, by 2 points!!!

For the 3hr test they give you even more sugar and stick you 4 times with the needle. So, now that I had given enough blood to be considered a blood drive, I got a good phone call. My glucose was normal. "Thank god." I thought, "I don't have to do that again."

Two weeks go by and I had my first midwives appt. I didn't really know what to expect when we got there. I wish I had known, I would have worn only a bra and panties. They didn't have an a/c in the room they put me in and what I thought was going to be a simple meet and greet 30 min meeting was a forever long 2 hour meet and greet appt. My butt sweated to the seat! I was a whale with a built in heater on the hottest day in spring and there was no a/c. It was miserable. To make matters worse....

My midwife read my chart and saw that I had one high diabetes test and one normal then proceeded to tell me that I needed to go do my 2nd diabetes screen before 28 weeks. I asked if I really had to since my first screen was only 2 weeks prior because I didn't get to take it when I was supposed to. She said I still had to. "Great, just great!" I went for my test at the hospital lab because that is the one my midwives use. I was expecting the worst ofcourse, id already been through this before. I go into the lab, sit in the chair and low and behold, one of my classmates sister walks up and says, "ill be drawing your blood today." It was so strange. I did her daughter's hair and now she's drawing my blood. Anyway, she went to a refrigerator and pulled out the drink. I thought, "what! I could have drank this thing cold before! That's some bull." That drink is a thousand times better cold! Next day, phone rings, "hello, I'm the devil, here to make you take another 3hr test!" Seriously!! I knew it would be that way, high one hour normal three hour. I went to the test and this time she tells me I can't drink the bottle of water I brought with me. I told her I wouldn't but about half way through the test I got thirsty. You can't blame me, I was pregnant. Its part of the deal. So, I snuck into the bathroom to steal a drink from my water bottle. Guess who's in there like she was waiting for me sneak a drink. So much for that idea! After the test, I drank three bottles of water, one for every hour I missed. My midwife called and said all three hours were normal! All 3! At least I didn't have diabetes.

Now, I'm done with stuff, right? Nope. Week 31, husband is at work. Its about 8pm and I feel a horrible pain on top of my belly. It is a dull pain that's not going away. I ran a warm bath, thinking its just a braxton hicks and everything will be fine when I soak a while. The bath didn't help at all. I got out and called Robert at about 9:30 and asked him to leave work early to take me to the hospital. I didn't think it was contractions, I was more concerned that it may be my gull bladder. My dad had his removed and so did my sister. I figured I was next. He got home and we got to the hospital at 11pm. Checked in and I told the guy I didn't think it was pregnancy related.... wrong thing to say. We had to wait 7 hours to finally be admitted. Once we were, the doctors were so sorry that they gave my husband a gift card to the hospital restaraunt to go eat breakfast and then he got to sleep on my hospital bed in the labor and delivery triage room while they took me for an ulrasound. I didn't know he was sleeping though and appearently the nurses didn't either. When they brought me back to the room they opened the door and there a man was spralled out on the triage bed! It was the funniest thing ever! I woke him and sent him back to his chair. He had crawled up there when we left and he said he startled one of the nurses that came in to check the monitor charts. She wasn't expecting a man. Lol. And back to the pain.... my ultrasound came back normal they discovered that I had GERD and a gastric ulcer. On top of the Zantac 150 and Maloxx I was already taking I was perscribed 2 prilosec a day. How fun my life was going to be. I became a walking pharmacy and it doesn't end there.

Coming around the mountain... Anemia, 10 lb ultrasound, the dietition and the midwife from H-E-double hockey sticks!

Friday, November 19, 2010

40 weeks of what else? Pregnancy

Let's just start with weeks 4 - 18.
Starting in week for was the worst sickness of my life! It started in the mornings, as soon as I woke. Id walk into the bathroom and just the smell of the air freshener would make me vomit. I didn't even get a chance to pee or brush my teeth, vomit came first. I've never been good at throwing up, I cry when I do. Its a very embarrassing scene. They say morning sickness is just that, a sickness in the morning. Well, they lie. I was sick all day and it didn't help that I was going to school for hair and that everyone and their mom was in my chair for a bleach weave. Bleach is my specialty and when they came through the door, my chair and my day was always full.

After spending every day elbows deep in bleach with my first pregnancy and that ending in a miscarriage, I knew I needed to refuse bleach and color services if I wanted a safe pregnancy this time around. However, I'm not one to refuse anything that is asked of me,so in the begining I tried wearing 2 masks while coloring/bleaching, but the only thing 2 maskes is good at, is cutting off your air supply. That made me so dizzy. It came down to it. I refused all color services. Until my senior e-vals. I couldn't refuse to do my e-vals.

E-vals started in my 8th week, I believe. I was going to have to do one of every service in one day, including: bleach, color, and a perm. If you've never smelled perm solution, I'll save you the stomach pain... don't smell it. You don't have to pregnant to vomit from the smell of that. So anyway, I made it half way through my day and I was waiting outside for my parents to come to get me for lunch. They were my models for the day and so my dad went to get the truck in the rain while my mom and I waited by the door. I was getting more nauseous by the second but I didn't want to go back inside the school because it was too hot and smelly. My dad finally pulled up with the truck and I ran to it but didn't make it. Breafast came up, right at the doorstep. I got in really quick and we drove, I prayed that no one saw me but I had no such luck. As soon as I got back one of the guys came to me and asked if I was doing okay because they saw me throw up. I was officially mortafied.

Week 9. I woke up in the middle of the night to ofcourse, vomit. It didn't stop there though. I kept vomiting, over and over. I was scared that I had a kidney infection and the next day I was supposed to go for my diabetes test. That wasn't going to happen. I wasn't about to drink a pure hot sugar drink being as sick as I was. So, after spending all day and night as a sitting vomiting zombie, I went to the doctors office. I told the new girl at the front desk that I couldn't take my test but that I still needed to see my doctor because of non stop vomiting. My doctor walked out, looked at me and said, "Go to the hospital. I will call them to tell them you are coming." She said I wouldn't stop throwing up until I was hydrated. This was my first run in with the hydrating IV. It was great. It made me so hungry and woke me right up! I wanted to ask if I could just take it with me. I didn't get to take it with me but I got to revisit it 4 weeks later. I was dehyrated again but didn't know it that time.

I was sick for another 5 weeks after that. All in all I lost 15 lbs in the first 18 weeks and ate pretty much nothing but plain chicken nuggets that whole time. I definately think that was a cleansing and prep for the weight gain to come.

Next up, discover of Gerd, ulcers, and a run in gestational diabetes.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life after the worst loss of my life.

It began on October 16th 2009. That was the day I lost my twins. The worst day of my life. When someone loses a child, no matter what age or situation the mother is in, the only thing that should be said to her is: I'm sorry and I'm here. Instead, I heard everything from, "Now you can start a weight progam and get back in shape." To "If I had a kid at your age, I wouldn't be as good of a mom as I am now." To "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." All very very wrong things to say. To top it off, my sister miscarried three weeks later and everyones world crashed for her and everyone told her all the right things. Then again, she's in her 30's with a high degree, a very successful husband and it was her second child. She deserved her child and appearently I didn't.

At my follow up doctors appt. My doctor gave me birth control pills and told me not to start them until I had a cycle. Well, October 30th, My one year wedding anniversary, my husband had to work and so we didn't really get to celebrate. I really wanted to be with my husband that night, it was our anniversary and on our wedding night we had started Catholic Classes at church and so we didn't get to that night. So, I wanted one night to be the way its supposed to be. I hadn't started the birth control yet and we didn't have condoms because up until then the only birth control we had used was natural family planning. So when he came home that night, I seduced him anyway. I spent the next two weeks wondering what if and mourning the loss of my babies. It was time to go back to school after leave.

Monday morning, 4 weeks later I went to the doctor for my last blood drawing at the doctors office to make sure my levels weren't rising since they had gone down to 0 just before the 30th. I decided to take a home pregnancy test because I couldn't wait for the results from the doctor. I took the test at school and sure enough it was positive. I called my husband and told him. He couldn't believe it and neither could I. We knew that there was a slight chance it could just be left over tissue in my uterus due to me not having a d&c, so, I decided not to get excited until we heard from the doctor. The doctor called and said my levels were back up to 3000. That was very high and if I was pregnant again, a very good sign. So, we scheduled another blood drawing for 2 days later and sure enough, the level doubled. I went for the ultrasound where we saw our little seahorse and his beating heart.

We couldn't be more excited and nervous all at the same time. This was a slightly high risk prgnancy from day one, considering I I had gotten pregnant just 2 weeks after I miscarried.

Next to come.... 40 weeks of what else? Pregnancy!

The beinging. Pregnancy, hair and a miscarriage.

August 9th was the last LMP. September 6th, I took a home pregnancy test and there was 2 lines. I couldn't believe it. I went to the livingroom sat on the couch next to Robert and just starred at it. Robert asked what it said and I said, "There is 2 lines but I don't know what its supposed to have. I don't know what kind of test this is, I threw away the box." He looked at it, laughed and said, " I think its positive,babe." And kissed me. I imediately got on the internet to find the same test and photos of a positive result. Robert was laughing the whole time and telling me, "Babe, its possitive. You don't have to look it up."

I got off the net and made him take me to the store to get another one. That one was positive too. On Sept. 9th, we went went to planned parenthood and had it confirmed. I didn't have medically insurance so the same day, I took my result to DHS and signed up for Oregon Health plan. Also, we went to burlington baby depot to find a gift for my parents because, I had to tell them. The hardest thing I'd ever do, so I thought.

We went home, where we lived with my parents, and I walked up to my parents, who were sitting out by the pond, enjoying their evening and I handed my mom the present. She took it and asked me, "what is this? What's going on?" I said, " nothing. Just open it." She did and I was crying and she started to cry and said, " I knew it, I'm going to be a grandma." And she told my dad and she hugged me and my dad hugged me and we all sat down and my dad lectured us on how now was the time we really needed to get things in gear and get things going because we had someone else to provide for.

I felt relieved. I was feeling great. I went to school the next day and told everyone and they were all happy. I didn't have any morning sickness or anything. I just had an extreme craving for cheese quesadillas.

Weeks went by and I was still waiting on my health insurances so I could go to the docotor. Week 9 came and my insurance card finally came at the same time I started spotting. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. We went to urgent care that morning. The doctor at urgent care told me I needed to get checked at the hospital and so they wheeled me over in a chair to the ER. I knew something was wrong. The ER doctor came in, did a pelvic exam and said it looked like old blood and that my cervix was closed. He then did an ulrasound and said baby was in the right place but that he couldn't see a heartbeat and said it may be too early. We left and made a doctors appt.

The next day we went for another ultrsound. The tech scanned over the heart and zoomed in and out. I just looked at her and asked, "you don't see a beat, do you?" She said,"no, I'm so sorry." I tried my hardest not to cry and hold it together. I let a few tears leak out and when we got to the car, we both broke down and cried.

I knew I wanted to deliver my baby naturally at home. So, on Friday, the day I turned 10wks. I began feeling the worst cramps of my life. I knew this was it. I ran a bath and sent Robert for Mcdonalds because I was hungry. I got in the bath and got in and out and paced the floors in pain. I was more scared then anything and robert didn't know what to do so he ate. I couldn't. I tried. It didn't work. Finally the pain got so bad I told robert we need to go to ER. I got dressed and just then I felt an urge to push. I went back to the bathroom and laid foil in the toilet and sat. One little push and the pain was over. In the foil was a complete sac and inside was what I discovered was my lil baby twins. I had to take them to doctor and so I carefully scooped them up and put them in a plastic bag and starred at them the whole way. The little arms and feet and tiny little hands. I didn't want to give them away. But I had to. We got to the doctors and I gave them to robert and I went to the bathroom. I couldn't hand them over myself. I was crushed.

Next to come... life after the worst loss of my life.