Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life after the worst loss of my life.

It began on October 16th 2009. That was the day I lost my twins. The worst day of my life. When someone loses a child, no matter what age or situation the mother is in, the only thing that should be said to her is: I'm sorry and I'm here. Instead, I heard everything from, "Now you can start a weight progam and get back in shape." To "If I had a kid at your age, I wouldn't be as good of a mom as I am now." To "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." All very very wrong things to say. To top it off, my sister miscarried three weeks later and everyones world crashed for her and everyone told her all the right things. Then again, she's in her 30's with a high degree, a very successful husband and it was her second child. She deserved her child and appearently I didn't.

At my follow up doctors appt. My doctor gave me birth control pills and told me not to start them until I had a cycle. Well, October 30th, My one year wedding anniversary, my husband had to work and so we didn't really get to celebrate. I really wanted to be with my husband that night, it was our anniversary and on our wedding night we had started Catholic Classes at church and so we didn't get to that night. So, I wanted one night to be the way its supposed to be. I hadn't started the birth control yet and we didn't have condoms because up until then the only birth control we had used was natural family planning. So when he came home that night, I seduced him anyway. I spent the next two weeks wondering what if and mourning the loss of my babies. It was time to go back to school after leave.

Monday morning, 4 weeks later I went to the doctor for my last blood drawing at the doctors office to make sure my levels weren't rising since they had gone down to 0 just before the 30th. I decided to take a home pregnancy test because I couldn't wait for the results from the doctor. I took the test at school and sure enough it was positive. I called my husband and told him. He couldn't believe it and neither could I. We knew that there was a slight chance it could just be left over tissue in my uterus due to me not having a d&c, so, I decided not to get excited until we heard from the doctor. The doctor called and said my levels were back up to 3000. That was very high and if I was pregnant again, a very good sign. So, we scheduled another blood drawing for 2 days later and sure enough, the level doubled. I went for the ultrasound where we saw our little seahorse and his beating heart.

We couldn't be more excited and nervous all at the same time. This was a slightly high risk prgnancy from day one, considering I I had gotten pregnant just 2 weeks after I miscarried.

Next to come.... 40 weeks of what else? Pregnancy!

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