Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life after the worst loss of my life.

It began on October 16th 2009. That was the day I lost my twins. The worst day of my life. When someone loses a child, no matter what age or situation the mother is in, the only thing that should be said to her is: I'm sorry and I'm here. Instead, I heard everything from, "Now you can start a weight progam and get back in shape." To "If I had a kid at your age, I wouldn't be as good of a mom as I am now." To "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." All very very wrong things to say. To top it off, my sister miscarried three weeks later and everyones world crashed for her and everyone told her all the right things. Then again, she's in her 30's with a high degree, a very successful husband and it was her second child. She deserved her child and appearently I didn't.

At my follow up doctors appt. My doctor gave me birth control pills and told me not to start them until I had a cycle. Well, October 30th, My one year wedding anniversary, my husband had to work and so we didn't really get to celebrate. I really wanted to be with my husband that night, it was our anniversary and on our wedding night we had started Catholic Classes at church and so we didn't get to that night. So, I wanted one night to be the way its supposed to be. I hadn't started the birth control yet and we didn't have condoms because up until then the only birth control we had used was natural family planning. So when he came home that night, I seduced him anyway. I spent the next two weeks wondering what if and mourning the loss of my babies. It was time to go back to school after leave.

Monday morning, 4 weeks later I went to the doctor for my last blood drawing at the doctors office to make sure my levels weren't rising since they had gone down to 0 just before the 30th. I decided to take a home pregnancy test because I couldn't wait for the results from the doctor. I took the test at school and sure enough it was positive. I called my husband and told him. He couldn't believe it and neither could I. We knew that there was a slight chance it could just be left over tissue in my uterus due to me not having a d&c, so, I decided not to get excited until we heard from the doctor. The doctor called and said my levels were back up to 3000. That was very high and if I was pregnant again, a very good sign. So, we scheduled another blood drawing for 2 days later and sure enough, the level doubled. I went for the ultrasound where we saw our little seahorse and his beating heart.

We couldn't be more excited and nervous all at the same time. This was a slightly high risk prgnancy from day one, considering I I had gotten pregnant just 2 weeks after I miscarried.

Next to come.... 40 weeks of what else? Pregnancy!

The beinging. Pregnancy, hair and a miscarriage.

August 9th was the last LMP. September 6th, I took a home pregnancy test and there was 2 lines. I couldn't believe it. I went to the livingroom sat on the couch next to Robert and just starred at it. Robert asked what it said and I said, "There is 2 lines but I don't know what its supposed to have. I don't know what kind of test this is, I threw away the box." He looked at it, laughed and said, " I think its positive,babe." And kissed me. I imediately got on the internet to find the same test and photos of a positive result. Robert was laughing the whole time and telling me, "Babe, its possitive. You don't have to look it up."

I got off the net and made him take me to the store to get another one. That one was positive too. On Sept. 9th, we went went to planned parenthood and had it confirmed. I didn't have medically insurance so the same day, I took my result to DHS and signed up for Oregon Health plan. Also, we went to burlington baby depot to find a gift for my parents because, I had to tell them. The hardest thing I'd ever do, so I thought.

We went home, where we lived with my parents, and I walked up to my parents, who were sitting out by the pond, enjoying their evening and I handed my mom the present. She took it and asked me, "what is this? What's going on?" I said, " nothing. Just open it." She did and I was crying and she started to cry and said, " I knew it, I'm going to be a grandma." And she told my dad and she hugged me and my dad hugged me and we all sat down and my dad lectured us on how now was the time we really needed to get things in gear and get things going because we had someone else to provide for.

I felt relieved. I was feeling great. I went to school the next day and told everyone and they were all happy. I didn't have any morning sickness or anything. I just had an extreme craving for cheese quesadillas.

Weeks went by and I was still waiting on my health insurances so I could go to the docotor. Week 9 came and my insurance card finally came at the same time I started spotting. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. We went to urgent care that morning. The doctor at urgent care told me I needed to get checked at the hospital and so they wheeled me over in a chair to the ER. I knew something was wrong. The ER doctor came in, did a pelvic exam and said it looked like old blood and that my cervix was closed. He then did an ulrasound and said baby was in the right place but that he couldn't see a heartbeat and said it may be too early. We left and made a doctors appt.

The next day we went for another ultrsound. The tech scanned over the heart and zoomed in and out. I just looked at her and asked, "you don't see a beat, do you?" She said,"no, I'm so sorry." I tried my hardest not to cry and hold it together. I let a few tears leak out and when we got to the car, we both broke down and cried.

I knew I wanted to deliver my baby naturally at home. So, on Friday, the day I turned 10wks. I began feeling the worst cramps of my life. I knew this was it. I ran a bath and sent Robert for Mcdonalds because I was hungry. I got in the bath and got in and out and paced the floors in pain. I was more scared then anything and robert didn't know what to do so he ate. I couldn't. I tried. It didn't work. Finally the pain got so bad I told robert we need to go to ER. I got dressed and just then I felt an urge to push. I went back to the bathroom and laid foil in the toilet and sat. One little push and the pain was over. In the foil was a complete sac and inside was what I discovered was my lil baby twins. I had to take them to doctor and so I carefully scooped them up and put them in a plastic bag and starred at them the whole way. The little arms and feet and tiny little hands. I didn't want to give them away. But I had to. We got to the doctors and I gave them to robert and I went to the bathroom. I couldn't hand them over myself. I was crushed.

Next to come... life after the worst loss of my life.